what the heck is goin on!

"One of the hardest decisions you'll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away, or try harder."

here we go, another stinkin blog on the stinkin blog page stinkin late at night about the same ole stinkin topic im always thinking about.. purpose. Its all i ever think about. sunrise, sunset, i lay in my bed and ponder the question, "WHAT am i going to do today?"... as i rattle of the check list in my head, and go through my itinerary for the day, i still feel in the same place. i try my best not to complain, because well, i have an amazing life!! I just wish i had a calling, a purpose.. whatever that is i guess. i sit here frustrated, tired because ive tried everything, looking at all doors, windows, cracks, ANYTHING to get a glimpse of what the heck im supposed to do with myself. you know, when you graduate highschool you think, " oh 20? yeah i think ill already be on my way to a career by then!"....sike. nope.

90% of the day i feel lost. useless, almost. pathetic and annoying as that might sound to you, whoever you are, its the truth. i know we are supposed to be patient and have faith that Gods timing, is the best timing.. why is it so difficult to just 'be'? Why cant i just seem to get things right? why do i ALWAYS have to mess things up? you ever envision who you want to be someday, then look at the person you are NOW, and think to yourself, "ive got miles, and miles, to go.." Being focused and on top of things, and trying to make sense of everything thats going on, just gets so tiring. Not being in school, and seeing my friends continue their education, i get worried sometimes. Am i gonna get left behind? well, why not try school again? ok! that sounds like a great plan! But whenever i do, something just tells me no? i can only bake cupcakes and babysit for so long before i become a nun for crying out loud. which, i wouldnt mind actually since im dysfunctional at relationships as well! Just adds to the awesomeness of my being. Look. im not trying to throw a pity party, even though it pretty much sounds like im an ungrateful little girl, this is the only way to express frustration before i just burst out crying BECAUSE of frustration. Im just a person trying to work on themselves, trying to gain patience.

Maybe im just growing up, because my mind is changing, not about the important things, just about how i maybe thought things were going to go.. at 18 i imagined myself in a far off country someplace unknown to the majority of the population.. so, why cant i imagine myself there, now? Why can i NOT see myself alone anymore? i was so easily sure that i wanted to remain alone. and now? i want him there.  and surfing! dont even get me started on that! i could surf all day, every day. morning, until night. i actually had SEA LEGS the other night trying to fall asleep cause i surfed the entire afternoon. i dream about waves at night and bout having the salt in my hair. But then i dream of green grass and trees and rolling hills and the smell of fresh air, and catching fireflies at night. winding roads and summer rain storms. Or cobble stone streets in europe or how each airport has its own special smell, and energy running through it. what do you do when your heart isnt rooted in any place on land? will i forever be drifting above? constantly observing everything while in motion? or will someone come along and lasso me down to make sure i dont get too far off?

as much as i am up for an adventure, im living my life with a blindfold on.. in every aspect. career, education, hobbies, love, direction. its like trying to break open a pinata! when all you want to do is take a tiny peak to get a solid whack on it, to make sure you look like you are so great at this 'game' called life. To reap the rewards of all thats inside it. Then, here i am flailing this bat around trying to hit SOMETHING to make sure its still there. to make sure im still swinging for something. just wanting to take a peak, to make sure im not getting laughed at, or lost, or swinging at air..

 i guess im just going to have to look like a blind fool for a little while longer, but im pretty sure im not the first person to feel this way.. so i think i might be in good company.