Monday, August 12, 2013

American Honey

Lord, what do i do? Why do I feel more lost than ever? .....

Seems to be the question of the hour lately.  I am sitting here on my front porch, in Ohio, watching the sun continue to rise, and the dew shine right in front of me. I am here to be honest on this thing ( am i ever not? lol ) and im not going to lie, i took advantage of it this summer. I allowed myself to slump, i didnt pick myself up by my bootstraps and get hard to work. Instead i focused on what i was missing back in california, than what was right in front of me. I allowed 3 months to go by, and if i told you that i tried my hardest, i would be lying. But i was so lost! I have moved across the WORLD and it wasnt as hard as this past summer was. Being 'still' isnt really my thing, never has been, so the fact that i was learning, well it really showed my ugly side. Didnt realize i could be that bad. am i embarrassed?

       you bet.

But this is my first go-around, im not used to routine, im used to being able to pick up and go wherever i dang well pleased, without the permission of anyone but my bank account.

But i felt so lonely. Sure i experienced amazing things, and i chose the route of wanderer, but if anyone tells you its full-filling..the whole time.. they are lying.

Life is meant to be shared, not handled by yourself.

This summer i learned that, the hard way. I grew up, and suddenly i felt really lost because those type of adventures didnt fuel my soul anymore. Surfing became a distant memory, and the thought of picking up and moving to Cambodia didnt tug at my heart strings.

                             And that scared (scuse my french) the hell out of me.

I panicked, i was like a wild horse being tamed, scared i would never see the wild again, forever strapped to the life of an 8x8 post fence. So i reacted. I reacted without class and grace and maturity, but i just witnessed pretty much the death of my childhood. Im no longer 17 and can do anything i want, i dont wake up and say "ive got time! plenty of time! ill go to school in 3 years!"

Well, im 21, degree-less, and finally got a grasp on what is expected of me. Took about half a year, but i got there.

Good part is, well i am finally ready! Sad part is, i burned a lot of feelings on the way.. and they werent my feelings.

Ever feel like the only person on the face of the earth?  i do.

Summer is almost over, and my parents come in 8 days! I am so excited to see them and show them around, but i also have a decision to make....  do I go back?

                     Do i go back home to california? Right when everything was starting to make sense and pick up? When i had a plan? When i was so excited to start school, find a job, get really plugged into this church here? I didnt even get a chance to try it here!!! I wasted my summer being stupid and im afraid im now dealing with the consequences of my attitude. As i sit in this golden hour of sun and hear the birds sing and just witness this beauty around me, i feel so empty and lost inside. I walk alone and think of all the times that i should have acted differently, should have had more class. Instead i acted like a little girl. Didnt realize it was possible to miss this much, i mean heck ive been through my share of break-offs, but why is this one different? I wasnt ready to let go. im still not.

What do i do now? Where do i go? What happens when you wake up in the morning and dread your day, and your week because you know its going to be more wandering and loneliness? My eyes are tired from crying, my body aches from lack of rest and sleep. What do i do? I have been praying, begging God to show me where to go, but what if all you hear is silence? What if i can never let go? What if leaving here would be my biggest regret? Can i survive being alone here? I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks out of frustration. I am so angry and lost that all i feel like doing is running, and running and running and seeing how far i can go.          
( i was RUNNANNGG-Forrest Gump) But seriously. Everything changed so fast, im just now catching my breath and picking up the pieces. It seems like every day im leaning on one side of the fence, then the next day, the other side. I woke up this morning wanting to stay, but fell asleep last night feeling lonely and wanting to be home.

Do i go home? Go back to that running-around lifestyle? Sure id start school, but i would become ADHD lindsey again. Doing everything under the sun, while everyone else was really starting their lives. Sitting in 3 hours of traffic, workin joe-jobs. Constantly battling things around me to go do instead of sitting and focusing on one thing.

Do i stay here? Continue to grow in ways that ive never imagined? it just started to get good here, im not ready to leave.. Do i stay and be still? I would start school here, but also get the chance to live on my own and experience that, which is an opportunity i wouldnt have while living in California. My heart aches because the person id want along my side, well, wouldn't be in either of those choices..

I know i have two weeks to make my decision. And that involves a lot of prayer, and evaluating. But i am so tired and weak. I am so beat down inside its hard for me to even get up out of bed.

What do i do? I feel so lost.. so lost.


  1. Just remember.. no matter which road you decide to take, God will work through it to His glory and for your good. Praying for your decision!

  2. Hey Linds,

    I am not to be the one to give relationship and "feelings" advise. However, part of my journey is similar, in a way. I graduated high school and went on under my parents command of "do something"... go to school, get a job.... HAVE A PLAN. I was pretty self-centered (not an accusation toward you at all), but all I wanted to do was snowboard. Foolish, but appropriate to where I was at the time. I quit the only good job I'd ever had and moved to Mammoth. I worked at the resort. Pretty cool, huh? I remember my parents saying, "What if it doesn't snow?"

    "Are you crazy!!!", I thought. "It's Mammoth... how could in not snow?!?!"

    Well, I moved up there.............. AND IT DIDN'T SNOW! I moved up in early November (having dropped out of college), and it snowed a total of 3 ft 'till the end of February. The resort couldn't offer me a job, so I left and moved back in with my parents. I was about your age.... early 20s.

    I moved home, got involved with my church and then half-heartedly decided to go into youth ministry. I went to APU for no particular reason... I think my youth-pastor went there. I quickly changed my degree to music, with no particular musical background or talent. I half-assed my way through the program and graduated..... AND THEN

    had NO IDEA what I was going to do. Jenn and I just married, and I was job-less for 6 months, soon to be employed by So. Cal Edison for 4 1/2 years. I hated every minute of it. Jenn, mercifully let me quit, even though I had a pretty good salary. I became a sub in the Redlands school district until Joel Fairley led me to Crossroads. My first year teaching, I was 30!

    I have two points in this, first, to say that you are VERY young and time doesn't have to be your enemy. I'm not saying, do nothing, or don't work toward something. But, this shouldn't RUSH you into something that isn't you or that isn't your passion. You are still discovering what that is, and/or how that fits into a workforce situation. You aren't in a place where you are desperately in need of finding your life's calling, though I know you want that. Which leads to my second point. God WILL lead you to that. He already knows what that is. I guarantee you he will reveal it to you in His time. He will teach you along the way, and most often, that involves some suffering. By the way, suffering to some extent is a GOOD thing (Romans 5:2-5).

    Two little bits of irony:

    When I left Mammoth without snow, the following weekend, beginning of March it started snowing. It didn't stop for something like 30 to 40 days. It was a historic snowfall in that brief period of time. I knew at that point God didn't want me there.

    Second, my whole childhood I wanted to be a wild animal trainer. Look at me now!!! :)