Thursday, December 12, 2013

From midwest:To Home: To Europe and beyond: To back where I love.

SO a lot has happened since my last blog! I ended up leaving Ohio literally that week I wrote that post. I came home and was so SOOO lost. I had no idea who I was anymore. Did I still like the same things? Would everything come back to normal? Have I changed for good?...

   I did change.

BUT, I feel for the better! I am learning as seasons come and ago, that you will never be the same person every single year, and it can be a GREAT thing!!!! I came home, got straight to work, and invested myself in school and my job. Then, I had the amazing opportunity to fly to Europe and go backpack for a whole month!!!! I was a bit travel shy at first, since I havent been out of the country in a couple years, but oh how I am so glad I did.

I flew into germany to stay with my good friends the Bodenmullers, then Me and a friend backpacked Ireland and England, then flew back to germany for the remainder of my trip. I felt like myself again. I felt that fire inside me, that freedom and the fact that I am only 21. I am so young, I dont need to settle down, get married, buy a house, find a career just yet. I have time, and LOADS of it, so I need to use it to my full advantage, and boy did I in Europe.

Not only did I discover my love for adventure again, but i found myself CRAVING the ocean. I would have dreams at night on riding a perfect wave, and would wake up in europe, in snow, lol, and eager to get back on my board.

When I returned from the midwest, my love wasnt surfing anymore. I wasnt sure WHAT exactly I loved or did, but God will always lead you back and bring you 'round to full circle. Hes just groovy like that.

After my trip I got to see family, friends, eat some turkey (Thanksgiving) and then, FINALLY....


Catching my first ride in months since I last surfed, I felt alive. A rush of feeling hit me in the head so hard, and I remembered. I REMEMBERED. And once again, I found myself hooked. As if i werent obsessed with surfing prior to my midwest move, It came back tenfold. With the new year and summertime (for socal) around the corner again, I see all the possibilities at my doorstep. Life is the sweetest thing I have ever done, And God just keeps providing and providing and providing.

With good grades in school, and as many hours a week of work as I want, I feel like I am truly a blessed child of His. There is no rush to grow up. There is no need to settle. I havent even started yet!

Which leads me back into the blogging world, starting 2014, I will have this blog but change the title:

If Everybody had an Ocean

Ever since I was very little, The Beach Boys have been a household staple of my families music collection. I grew up dancing in my room to Good Vibrations and Dont worry Baby. One of me and my Dad's favorite songs is of course, surfin in the USA, since most of our favorite surf spots are featured in the song. We got talkin about how awesome it would be to surf every spot mentioned in the song, and thats when I decided to make it a goal of mine to truly surf the USA. ;)

SO stay tuned! Ride it with me!

xo Lindsey

Monday, August 12, 2013

American Honey

Lord, what do i do? Why do I feel more lost than ever? .....

Seems to be the question of the hour lately.  I am sitting here on my front porch, in Ohio, watching the sun continue to rise, and the dew shine right in front of me. I am here to be honest on this thing ( am i ever not? lol ) and im not going to lie, i took advantage of it this summer. I allowed myself to slump, i didnt pick myself up by my bootstraps and get hard to work. Instead i focused on what i was missing back in california, than what was right in front of me. I allowed 3 months to go by, and if i told you that i tried my hardest, i would be lying. But i was so lost! I have moved across the WORLD and it wasnt as hard as this past summer was. Being 'still' isnt really my thing, never has been, so the fact that i was learning, well it really showed my ugly side. Didnt realize i could be that bad. am i embarrassed?

       you bet.

But this is my first go-around, im not used to routine, im used to being able to pick up and go wherever i dang well pleased, without the permission of anyone but my bank account.

But i felt so lonely. Sure i experienced amazing things, and i chose the route of wanderer, but if anyone tells you its full-filling..the whole time.. they are lying.

Life is meant to be shared, not handled by yourself.

This summer i learned that, the hard way. I grew up, and suddenly i felt really lost because those type of adventures didnt fuel my soul anymore. Surfing became a distant memory, and the thought of picking up and moving to Cambodia didnt tug at my heart strings.

                             And that scared (scuse my french) the hell out of me.

I panicked, i was like a wild horse being tamed, scared i would never see the wild again, forever strapped to the life of an 8x8 post fence. So i reacted. I reacted without class and grace and maturity, but i just witnessed pretty much the death of my childhood. Im no longer 17 and can do anything i want, i dont wake up and say "ive got time! plenty of time! ill go to school in 3 years!"

Well, im 21, degree-less, and finally got a grasp on what is expected of me. Took about half a year, but i got there.

Good part is, well i am finally ready! Sad part is, i burned a lot of feelings on the way.. and they werent my feelings.

Ever feel like the only person on the face of the earth?  i do.

Summer is almost over, and my parents come in 8 days! I am so excited to see them and show them around, but i also have a decision to make....  do I go back?

                     Do i go back home to california? Right when everything was starting to make sense and pick up? When i had a plan? When i was so excited to start school, find a job, get really plugged into this church here? I didnt even get a chance to try it here!!! I wasted my summer being stupid and im afraid im now dealing with the consequences of my attitude. As i sit in this golden hour of sun and hear the birds sing and just witness this beauty around me, i feel so empty and lost inside. I walk alone and think of all the times that i should have acted differently, should have had more class. Instead i acted like a little girl. Didnt realize it was possible to miss this much, i mean heck ive been through my share of break-offs, but why is this one different? I wasnt ready to let go. im still not.

What do i do now? Where do i go? What happens when you wake up in the morning and dread your day, and your week because you know its going to be more wandering and loneliness? My eyes are tired from crying, my body aches from lack of rest and sleep. What do i do? I have been praying, begging God to show me where to go, but what if all you hear is silence? What if i can never let go? What if leaving here would be my biggest regret? Can i survive being alone here? I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks out of frustration. I am so angry and lost that all i feel like doing is running, and running and running and seeing how far i can go.          
( i was RUNNANNGG-Forrest Gump) But seriously. Everything changed so fast, im just now catching my breath and picking up the pieces. It seems like every day im leaning on one side of the fence, then the next day, the other side. I woke up this morning wanting to stay, but fell asleep last night feeling lonely and wanting to be home.

Do i go home? Go back to that running-around lifestyle? Sure id start school, but i would become ADHD lindsey again. Doing everything under the sun, while everyone else was really starting their lives. Sitting in 3 hours of traffic, workin joe-jobs. Constantly battling things around me to go do instead of sitting and focusing on one thing.

Do i stay here? Continue to grow in ways that ive never imagined? it just started to get good here, im not ready to leave.. Do i stay and be still? I would start school here, but also get the chance to live on my own and experience that, which is an opportunity i wouldnt have while living in California. My heart aches because the person id want along my side, well, wouldn't be in either of those choices..

I know i have two weeks to make my decision. And that involves a lot of prayer, and evaluating. But i am so tired and weak. I am so beat down inside its hard for me to even get up out of bed.

What do i do? I feel so lost.. so lost.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Im going off the rails on the lazy traiiiin

By no means, is my life lazy, I dread standing still for longer than an hour, and im constantly on the go, seeking new hobbies, working on present ones, or exploring. Somehow, i started to think that it was okay to put God on the back burner. This blog is for me to be honest with myself, and allowing others to see that honesty too, so please respect my feelings! Sometimes we get so caught up in our own personal dreams and desires that we often forget God has much better ones in store. I assumed that my lack of laziness in my personal life meant that i was good. I go to church every sunday, i read my bible every week, so, that makes me good, right? Thats it? Job is done until next week? alright! sweet! ...

                         uh, no. 

    I find my ego and pride get the best of me, more than they ought to.My selfishness stands in my way of true potential. Instead of letting God let me know whats best, i assumed the role of the drivers seat. Life isnt worth living, if it has no purpose, and boy am i learning that! I get to do the coolest things, seriously! But whats the purpose? for MY happiness? What good is that? that mega sucks you know, because what is life, and happiness and joy, if it isnt shared with others? That if i want to have a heart like Jesus, i would have to serve. cause thats what he was, a Servant. SO, instead of self serving MYSELF, because that sounds just so self righteous it makes me gag, id have to live my life for others. I wouldnt say im obnoxious with the selfishness, i still love the opportunities God provides me for loving on others. But thats where the laziness comes in. I? ME? I wait? for HIM to provide opportunities? Where's the passion for his kingdom, Lindsey? Where is that burning desire to seek him? You have all the availability in the world, and yet, you wait.  how SELFISH of you. How can you EXPECT, no DEMAND that God bless you, when you continue to not live the blessed life? A check in once a week christian is not what he desires. Driving home in thought last night, i had a difficult time with that concept. Being a Christ follower is HARD. its not an easy route, but boy is it worth it! I have to constantly battle my motives for life decisions: "Is this cause I want it? Who will this Benefit, or who will this bless?" I often find myself comparing my walk with Christ back in Highschool and where i am now. I understand now, why most followers fade away in their 20s. Life catches up at you, and you're now an adult with the world at your feet, and the last thing you wanna do, is listen to someone else telling you how you should live your life. But you just gotta stomp out that voice telling you to make your own decisions. And thats what im trying to do, and yet i fail! like every week fail! I am not the most kind person to some, my selfishness and LAZINESS gets the best of me. And i sit and ask myself, how the heck can i get better at this? This life-thing? Cause, seriously this is hard! and anyone who tells you otherwise, is ignorant haha All these things in front of me, effecting me, influencing me, its hard to drown out all this negativity. "Act this way? or that way? Are you looking like this? cause you should! Dont eat that, This is what boys want! ect ect" Influence overload. Which also helps feed into the laziness, its just like, i wanna throw in the towel and call it a day, because i cannot process it all accordingly! So i decided to find out what laziness was. what was it?

lazi·ness n. :
Indolence; inactivity resulting from a dislike of work.
Wait, what? Dislike? But wait.. my laziness is an example of Dislike towards serving God?????
But i dont dislike it?.... Do i? Do i LOVE it? Well, i guess if i LOVED it, i would be doing it more, right? 

                               1+1=Lindsey is lost.

Not gonna lie, reading the definition sent chills up my spine. Was i so far off the target point? what happened? and how did i get here?                  

 I got lazy.

Hot diggity dog! i need to get my act together! STAT! This whole "I love God, im covered" mentality is what will end me. What is love without effort? without thought-out on purpose act? Dont mistake me, i love The Lord! But, was i really showing my affection? or did i get caught up on this ride? I wasnt made to go with the flow. I was created to fight the current, and be a stand out. Time to start acting like it, yeah?