Friday, April 24, 2015

Failure is an option.. Sometimes the best one

Writing is therapeutic for me, in some weird way. I never really gravitated towards it in school, so it is sort of surprising that I have in recent years. Anyways, I woke up this morning feeling the urge to write in this blog that has been long forgotten. Took me about 10 minutes to even find the dang thing, but hazaa! Here we are.

          I spent the last 20 minutes or so re-reading previous posts of mine, and it's safe to say im thoroughly embarrassed haha! Yikes, haha!


           But one thing I did love about it, was seeing my growth through the years. To think my first post was 4 years ago! Now with 23 coming up in a few weeks, I ask myself, "Am I where I thought I'd be??" Safe to say 18 year-old me would be freaking out right now that I have not declared permanent residency in Mumbai or Rio De Janeiro. But almost-23-year-old-me is, I feel, quite different. I have done a lot of traveling since High school, more than some people get in their lifetime, and how special is that! I am so proud of myself for taking the time and adventuring beyond my comfort zone and country. I am proud of myself for the things I got to accomplish at a young age, and I am proud of myself for become patient with my life "plan". To think 4 years ago, that Id be standing here at 22 years old, as an EMT and Paramedic school a littler over a year away, Id think, WOW! Who IS this chick!?

           Id like to be a Doctor one day, and travel the world! Id love to travel to far off places and help people in need. To offer education and service to those who may not have any, or need more. Its crazy to think and read back on these older posts and see my distress and anxiety for trying to find "my life's purpose".. If you are reading this right now and you are struggling with that same topic in your own life, please know this...

                    stop. breathe. listen.

                 God has got this. Hindsight is 20-20, and you will find yourself looking back and seeing how confusing some things are, but how they seem to intertwine creating this crazy path that has brought you here to this very moment. Maybe if I stopped trying so desperately to figure out my life years ago, I maybe would have found where Im at now, a lot sooner, Because in frantically trying to find myself, I lost myself. I lost opportunities for growth, for understanding, for silence. Looking back if I were to just have stopped and listened (for once) I would see that what my heart desired was right in front of me. That God was trying to show me everything I ever needed, was right in front of my nose.

          Being an EMT and on this path of medicine didn't really surprise me. In fact, when I found myself submerged deep into EMT school, I found myself feeling like I was right in the center of where I needed, and for so many years, wanted to be. I felt like this was what I was MADE to do.  I always knew I wanted big things for my life. I wanted a life that was the opposite of normal and mundane. I wanted a life people write books about. I wanted to find myself on top of a mountain in a foreign country or deep in an exotic jungle, I just didnt know how I was going to make a living from being a full-time adventurer, then one night around 2 am in a Hospital I found that notion of, "THIS. IS. IT." and I haven't questioned it since. This may not be my life-long purpose in life, but Oh how I hope it is !

           Now with feeling that Im not longer a scavenger on the hunt for a purpose, God has shown light on other areas of my life that needed work. Its not fun when there is a spotlight on the areas where you have left alone for years. They look old and dirty and tired. Untouched and dusty, I found myself continuing to avoid commitment.  Until a four legged thing came into my life: Huckleberry Finn.
            In the efforts to subside my desires for human contact, I convinced my parents to allow me to purchase a dog, but not just any dog, THE dog. He HAD to be a german shorthaired pointer, and he had to be named Huck. I had this dream of how life would be with him, andddd well that wasnt how it turned out. I thought, "Having a dog maybe will fix my lonesomeness." Because who am I kidding I was lonely. Life may look bright and sunshiney on Facebook and Instagram, with all my fun activities, stories, and things Ive experienced, but the one thing I kept refusing to believe was that life was meant to be shared.

            I knew I had the choice back when I was 18, I could have chosen a more traditional route: school-marriage-house-family. But that meant commitment, that meant staying in one place, that meant suffocation. So I traded in comfort and convenience for a backpack and a plane ticket. I traded in a college degree by 22 for hostels and new countries at 20. I traded a steady relationship for an impossible chance at having any at all. So here I am, almost 23 with all this other life experience, but still unable to properly function in a semi-romantic relationship. Even though Im an adult, I felt like I was in Jr. High with the way I would handle myself, and communicate. I would get so frustrated with myself, and ask myself "Why is this so difficult to grasp or comprehend?" I would wonder "why am not getting this faster? Why do I feel like such a failure at this?"

       In my life I am used to being able to grasp concepts quite quickly. Obstacles dont seem like obstacles to me, and challenges seem inviting. But when it comes to my feelings, why am I so foreign? I look back and wonder, "was this trade I made, back when I was 18, was this trade worth it? Was it worth it to feel debilitated when it comes to my feelings and the way I share emotions?"

 Im not ever sure, but If i were to travel back in time Id advise my younger self to learn the art of balance, not the art of being alone.

     In recent events it has been brought to my attention how dusk this area was in my life, and I decided to let it go and let God handle my life. When you pray and ask God for chances to grow, be careful! haha! He just may answer them!

I want to act with grace and kindness. I want to become the lady Id imagined myself to be when I was a teenager. I hope to love amidst hurt and loneliness. I hope to be used for God's plan, and not my own, even if that means feeling empty. To know God will fill me back up, well, what more could I ever hope for?

So 18 year old self.. You want to know somethin?

   Being classy is hard work, being kind is not easy. Allowing your heart to open is scary, and growing is not pain-free. Showing kindness and grace is not effortless, and being thoughtful is not by accident. Wearing makeup will not conceal an ugly heart, and being bold does not have to be obnoxious. A Woman of the Lord is patient, and seeks Him through good times, and in bad. She brings Him her desires and asks Him to choose for her. Instead of looking around and trying to find my own way out of a maze, I will instead look up and ask for help. I dont want to waste any more of my life being prideful and stubborn, but instead be a lady of humility and grace.


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

"If Everybody Had An Ocean.... I think the world would be a happier place"

SO! It is finally 2014, and I could not be more excited for this year and what it holds.  Every year I push myself further, to see what is out there and what I can accomplish and what goals are out there that I can set for myself. For the past few years, me and my dad have always talked about surfing every break in The Beach Boys song, "Surfin' in the USA". Knowing that the majority of them are in CA, we feel it would be the ultimate surf trip to surf them ALL. Well, in a real world, people have other priorities, so I thought of my school schedule, work, and as well as my friends and Dad's schedule to see how we can accomplish this. By following swells that come in, and set aside days throughout the next few months, and weekends where we can take the camper, we can make this epic project happen. Nothing sounds more like home, than The Beach Boys..

Introducing, The Breaks:

As you can see, the last break, well. its in Hawaii. haha which MMMEAAAANS ill just have to fly out and finish this project in Hawaii, ( not a bad break, huh? ) 

WELP! help support this adventure and cheer us on. If you surf, come with! There will be plenty of board meetings ;)

Thursday, December 12, 2013

From midwest:To Home: To Europe and beyond: To back where I love.

SO a lot has happened since my last blog! I ended up leaving Ohio literally that week I wrote that post. I came home and was so SOOO lost. I had no idea who I was anymore. Did I still like the same things? Would everything come back to normal? Have I changed for good?...

   I did change.

BUT, I feel for the better! I am learning as seasons come and ago, that you will never be the same person every single year, and it can be a GREAT thing!!!! I came home, got straight to work, and invested myself in school and my job. Then, I had the amazing opportunity to fly to Europe and go backpack for a whole month!!!! I was a bit travel shy at first, since I havent been out of the country in a couple years, but oh how I am so glad I did.

I flew into germany to stay with my good friends the Bodenmullers, then Me and a friend backpacked Ireland and England, then flew back to germany for the remainder of my trip. I felt like myself again. I felt that fire inside me, that freedom and the fact that I am only 21. I am so young, I dont need to settle down, get married, buy a house, find a career just yet. I have time, and LOADS of it, so I need to use it to my full advantage, and boy did I in Europe.

Not only did I discover my love for adventure again, but i found myself CRAVING the ocean. I would have dreams at night on riding a perfect wave, and would wake up in europe, in snow, lol, and eager to get back on my board.

When I returned from the midwest, my love wasnt surfing anymore. I wasnt sure WHAT exactly I loved or did, but God will always lead you back and bring you 'round to full circle. Hes just groovy like that.

After my trip I got to see family, friends, eat some turkey (Thanksgiving) and then, FINALLY....


Catching my first ride in months since I last surfed, I felt alive. A rush of feeling hit me in the head so hard, and I remembered. I REMEMBERED. And once again, I found myself hooked. As if i werent obsessed with surfing prior to my midwest move, It came back tenfold. With the new year and summertime (for socal) around the corner again, I see all the possibilities at my doorstep. Life is the sweetest thing I have ever done, And God just keeps providing and providing and providing.

With good grades in school, and as many hours a week of work as I want, I feel like I am truly a blessed child of His. There is no rush to grow up. There is no need to settle. I havent even started yet!

Which leads me back into the blogging world, starting 2014, I will have this blog but change the title:

If Everybody had an Ocean

Ever since I was very little, The Beach Boys have been a household staple of my families music collection. I grew up dancing in my room to Good Vibrations and Dont worry Baby. One of me and my Dad's favorite songs is of course, surfin in the USA, since most of our favorite surf spots are featured in the song. We got talkin about how awesome it would be to surf every spot mentioned in the song, and thats when I decided to make it a goal of mine to truly surf the USA. ;)

SO stay tuned! Ride it with me!

xo Lindsey

Monday, August 12, 2013

American Honey

Lord, what do i do? Why do I feel more lost than ever? .....

Seems to be the question of the hour lately.  I am sitting here on my front porch, in Ohio, watching the sun continue to rise, and the dew shine right in front of me. I am here to be honest on this thing ( am i ever not? lol ) and im not going to lie, i took advantage of it this summer. I allowed myself to slump, i didnt pick myself up by my bootstraps and get hard to work. Instead i focused on what i was missing back in california, than what was right in front of me. I allowed 3 months to go by, and if i told you that i tried my hardest, i would be lying. But i was so lost! I have moved across the WORLD and it wasnt as hard as this past summer was. Being 'still' isnt really my thing, never has been, so the fact that i was learning, well it really showed my ugly side. Didnt realize i could be that bad. am i embarrassed?

       you bet.

But this is my first go-around, im not used to routine, im used to being able to pick up and go wherever i dang well pleased, without the permission of anyone but my bank account.

But i felt so lonely. Sure i experienced amazing things, and i chose the route of wanderer, but if anyone tells you its full-filling..the whole time.. they are lying.

Life is meant to be shared, not handled by yourself.

This summer i learned that, the hard way. I grew up, and suddenly i felt really lost because those type of adventures didnt fuel my soul anymore. Surfing became a distant memory, and the thought of picking up and moving to Cambodia didnt tug at my heart strings.

                             And that scared (scuse my french) the hell out of me.

I panicked, i was like a wild horse being tamed, scared i would never see the wild again, forever strapped to the life of an 8x8 post fence. So i reacted. I reacted without class and grace and maturity, but i just witnessed pretty much the death of my childhood. Im no longer 17 and can do anything i want, i dont wake up and say "ive got time! plenty of time! ill go to school in 3 years!"

Well, im 21, degree-less, and finally got a grasp on what is expected of me. Took about half a year, but i got there.

Good part is, well i am finally ready! Sad part is, i burned a lot of feelings on the way.. and they werent my feelings.

Ever feel like the only person on the face of the earth?  i do.

Summer is almost over, and my parents come in 8 days! I am so excited to see them and show them around, but i also have a decision to make....  do I go back?

                     Do i go back home to california? Right when everything was starting to make sense and pick up? When i had a plan? When i was so excited to start school, find a job, get really plugged into this church here? I didnt even get a chance to try it here!!! I wasted my summer being stupid and im afraid im now dealing with the consequences of my attitude. As i sit in this golden hour of sun and hear the birds sing and just witness this beauty around me, i feel so empty and lost inside. I walk alone and think of all the times that i should have acted differently, should have had more class. Instead i acted like a little girl. Didnt realize it was possible to miss this much, i mean heck ive been through my share of break-offs, but why is this one different? I wasnt ready to let go. im still not.

What do i do now? Where do i go? What happens when you wake up in the morning and dread your day, and your week because you know its going to be more wandering and loneliness? My eyes are tired from crying, my body aches from lack of rest and sleep. What do i do? I have been praying, begging God to show me where to go, but what if all you hear is silence? What if i can never let go? What if leaving here would be my biggest regret? Can i survive being alone here? I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks out of frustration. I am so angry and lost that all i feel like doing is running, and running and running and seeing how far i can go.          
( i was RUNNANNGG-Forrest Gump) But seriously. Everything changed so fast, im just now catching my breath and picking up the pieces. It seems like every day im leaning on one side of the fence, then the next day, the other side. I woke up this morning wanting to stay, but fell asleep last night feeling lonely and wanting to be home.

Do i go home? Go back to that running-around lifestyle? Sure id start school, but i would become ADHD lindsey again. Doing everything under the sun, while everyone else was really starting their lives. Sitting in 3 hours of traffic, workin joe-jobs. Constantly battling things around me to go do instead of sitting and focusing on one thing.

Do i stay here? Continue to grow in ways that ive never imagined? it just started to get good here, im not ready to leave.. Do i stay and be still? I would start school here, but also get the chance to live on my own and experience that, which is an opportunity i wouldnt have while living in California. My heart aches because the person id want along my side, well, wouldn't be in either of those choices..

I know i have two weeks to make my decision. And that involves a lot of prayer, and evaluating. But i am so tired and weak. I am so beat down inside its hard for me to even get up out of bed.

What do i do? I feel so lost.. so lost.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Im going off the rails on the lazy traiiiin

By no means, is my life lazy, I dread standing still for longer than an hour, and im constantly on the go, seeking new hobbies, working on present ones, or exploring. Somehow, i started to think that it was okay to put God on the back burner. This blog is for me to be honest with myself, and allowing others to see that honesty too, so please respect my feelings! Sometimes we get so caught up in our own personal dreams and desires that we often forget God has much better ones in store. I assumed that my lack of laziness in my personal life meant that i was good. I go to church every sunday, i read my bible every week, so, that makes me good, right? Thats it? Job is done until next week? alright! sweet! ...

                         uh, no. 

    I find my ego and pride get the best of me, more than they ought to.My selfishness stands in my way of true potential. Instead of letting God let me know whats best, i assumed the role of the drivers seat. Life isnt worth living, if it has no purpose, and boy am i learning that! I get to do the coolest things, seriously! But whats the purpose? for MY happiness? What good is that? that mega sucks you know, because what is life, and happiness and joy, if it isnt shared with others? That if i want to have a heart like Jesus, i would have to serve. cause thats what he was, a Servant. SO, instead of self serving MYSELF, because that sounds just so self righteous it makes me gag, id have to live my life for others. I wouldnt say im obnoxious with the selfishness, i still love the opportunities God provides me for loving on others. But thats where the laziness comes in. I? ME? I wait? for HIM to provide opportunities? Where's the passion for his kingdom, Lindsey? Where is that burning desire to seek him? You have all the availability in the world, and yet, you wait.  how SELFISH of you. How can you EXPECT, no DEMAND that God bless you, when you continue to not live the blessed life? A check in once a week christian is not what he desires. Driving home in thought last night, i had a difficult time with that concept. Being a Christ follower is HARD. its not an easy route, but boy is it worth it! I have to constantly battle my motives for life decisions: "Is this cause I want it? Who will this Benefit, or who will this bless?" I often find myself comparing my walk with Christ back in Highschool and where i am now. I understand now, why most followers fade away in their 20s. Life catches up at you, and you're now an adult with the world at your feet, and the last thing you wanna do, is listen to someone else telling you how you should live your life. But you just gotta stomp out that voice telling you to make your own decisions. And thats what im trying to do, and yet i fail! like every week fail! I am not the most kind person to some, my selfishness and LAZINESS gets the best of me. And i sit and ask myself, how the heck can i get better at this? This life-thing? Cause, seriously this is hard! and anyone who tells you otherwise, is ignorant haha All these things in front of me, effecting me, influencing me, its hard to drown out all this negativity. "Act this way? or that way? Are you looking like this? cause you should! Dont eat that, This is what boys want! ect ect" Influence overload. Which also helps feed into the laziness, its just like, i wanna throw in the towel and call it a day, because i cannot process it all accordingly! So i decided to find out what laziness was. what was it?

lazi·ness n. :
Indolence; inactivity resulting from a dislike of work.
Wait, what? Dislike? But wait.. my laziness is an example of Dislike towards serving God?????
But i dont dislike it?.... Do i? Do i LOVE it? Well, i guess if i LOVED it, i would be doing it more, right? 

                               1+1=Lindsey is lost.

Not gonna lie, reading the definition sent chills up my spine. Was i so far off the target point? what happened? and how did i get here?                  

 I got lazy.

Hot diggity dog! i need to get my act together! STAT! This whole "I love God, im covered" mentality is what will end me. What is love without effort? without thought-out on purpose act? Dont mistake me, i love The Lord! But, was i really showing my affection? or did i get caught up on this ride? I wasnt made to go with the flow. I was created to fight the current, and be a stand out. Time to start acting like it, yeah?

Friday, November 2, 2012

wide awake

so, its been kind of a while since ive been on this thing, and well, my life has pretty much changed. dont get me wrong im still driven to see the world, but as months pass God shows me so many new things. and i see sort of his timeline, if thats even possible. learning that i dont need to take over the world before im 25, and that i should go at a pace thats actually enjoyable, and where i can set roots in. Now, if you know me- know me, its not exactly what i love doing. But, i have just learned to love it. really, im excited to try something new in all areas with commitment, learning to stick with it, and finish what i start. and especially on a topic where i had refused to go down. because well, i was scared of commitment !!! (isnt that terrible? haha ) topic : relationships.

oh yeah. its go time.

i had always been so afraid of letting myself open up to someone, thinking that the minute i got into a committed relationship my life was on the verge of boring and i was never going to experience all the things i wanted to do. but ive learned that its kind of the opposite. and that i need to date a guy who is going to keep me moving forward, not keep me from doing anything. Lately this past week i have been in Ohio visiting family and friends and oh how i adore it here! its given me ( and continues to ) the solitude and the quietness i sought. ive even found myself daydreaming about my future guy to be! which is weird for me lol cause before i used to not really think about it. and of course i had lists as a girl in HS of my perfect man, but re thinking what was written, haha is not the kind of guy i truly desired! not saying it wasnt a good list, but im sure if my future husband doesnt like cereal, we'll be okay. now im not really expecting anyone to read this,if you are, well hi! cool! but, like i have said in previous blogs, its more of an outlet for me, plus i love reading old blogs to see how much i have grown and where God has brought me.

the list.

1. i will not take any guy who isnt sold out for Christ. i have realized it is SUCH a vital part in a healthy relationship, and girls, if you are frustrated with a guy you are dating or wanting to date, because he isnt on the same page as you, let it go and move on. your relationship with God and your character are far more important than a boy. he may be special, but if you seek Gods will, let God work on him while you do your own thing. Hes got it all under control. trust

2. be driven. having drive is certainly an attractive attribute! someone who wants things and goes after them with integrity and passion! i dont want someone sitting around waiting for something to happen. make it happen. do the things you wanna do because , well, its what you wanna do!!!!  brings me to my next number-

3. be assertive. none of this wishy washy highschool crap. it was annoying then, and guess what, its STILL annoying. i desire a guy who fights for what he wants, and who is assertive in our relationship. now, lets not take it over board, not a control freak over me, but a guy who sees me, and says to himself, i like her. so, im going to try and date her. and be a man and not be timid! be brave guys, it goes a long way with us girls. why do you think we love the notebook so much? we just desire a guy who sees us and only us.

4.Manners. oh man haha polite, gentleman, on time and alert. not much to explain there!

5. be a KID too! but lets just leave the inappropriate jokes and tantrums out of that equation please. I def. desire a guy who i can quote kid movies with and go on lame adventures and someone who isnt going to drain the night. be light hearted, seriousness is of course needed sometimes, but not most of it. be a kid, but remember that you're an adult. please. haha

6. probably one of my most needed needs is this. Thoughtfulness. oh man, thoughtfulness! it goes SUCH a long way! the fact that if i even got sunflowers or maybe a card randomly id die!it isnt because i like stuff, its the point that you saw it, and youd think "lindsey would like this." or "lindsey would laugh so hard i should get this!" i dont need expensive items, thats why i work, i can get those myself. but i cant go get an ugly cat card for myself, thats just weird. im weird, but not foreveralone weird.

         but really. guys, if you read this, let us know we are on your minds. it brightens our day, doesnt cost you a thing, and is greater than any necklace you could ever buy. remind us. it warms our hearts.

7. be HONEST! if you are just not feelin it anymore, dont ignore the topic dude! just say it! dont have us sit and wait and wonder what in tarnation is going on because you dont want to tell us. its hard, we get it, its never fun telling people youve lost feelings for them, but its a lot better in the long run to let us know before we get even deeper. and be honest about youre feelings! if you like us, TELL US! if you wanna be with us, well, TELL US! cause if im talkin back to you and hangin out all the time, most likely, i like you too!!!

8. Communication. i need a guy who communicates. cause if you cant, well then you can take a hike.

9. spiritual, emotional, and mental maturity. For once, can i have all 3? is that too hard to ask? haha always seems like its one or the other. well. im sure ill hit the jackpot someday lol but id like to have trust in the guy im dating to realize what God has called him to be, and what a Godly healthy relationship is. i dont want 'oops' and 'mistakes' constantly, i dont desire that one bit! so avoiding them before they even happen is a big big need for me.

10. Character. be the best person YOU can be. i cant stand guys who are easily influenced, be your OWN and if you dont know that then dont date! find out who you are, because that last thing i want is my time wasted on a guy who hasnt got his stuff figured out. not saying not knowing is a bad quality, we have all been there, i, many times, believe me, but before i date you, id like to know im not gonna be dating a guy with many hats or who doesnt know what he wants. id like to be what you want. and if im not, then ill continue on and eventually meet someone who will!

This isnt a jab at any guy ive had interest too, but thats what dating guys is about. figuring out what works and what doesnt, and what you really want, and what you are going to completely avoid haha and girls, if you are reading this, if there are any red flags, do not justify them. they are waving for a reason. excuses will eventually run out and so will your patience. best to not pick up something at all, then to pick it up having to put it down later on. I felt like i have grown so so so so so much in just this past week! i honestly feel like im an entirely new person, with a big new and improved view on life. i desire what God wants, and i just wanna live for him. i hope to find someone who wants to, too.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

what the heck is goin on!

"One of the hardest decisions you'll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away, or try harder."

here we go, another stinkin blog on the stinkin blog page stinkin late at night about the same ole stinkin topic im always thinking about.. purpose. Its all i ever think about. sunrise, sunset, i lay in my bed and ponder the question, "WHAT am i going to do today?"... as i rattle of the check list in my head, and go through my itinerary for the day, i still feel in the same place. i try my best not to complain, because well, i have an amazing life!! I just wish i had a calling, a purpose.. whatever that is i guess. i sit here frustrated, tired because ive tried everything, looking at all doors, windows, cracks, ANYTHING to get a glimpse of what the heck im supposed to do with myself. you know, when you graduate highschool you think, " oh 20? yeah i think ill already be on my way to a career by then!"....sike. nope.

90% of the day i feel lost. useless, almost. pathetic and annoying as that might sound to you, whoever you are, its the truth. i know we are supposed to be patient and have faith that Gods timing, is the best timing.. why is it so difficult to just 'be'? Why cant i just seem to get things right? why do i ALWAYS have to mess things up? you ever envision who you want to be someday, then look at the person you are NOW, and think to yourself, "ive got miles, and miles, to go.." Being focused and on top of things, and trying to make sense of everything thats going on, just gets so tiring. Not being in school, and seeing my friends continue their education, i get worried sometimes. Am i gonna get left behind? well, why not try school again? ok! that sounds like a great plan! But whenever i do, something just tells me no? i can only bake cupcakes and babysit for so long before i become a nun for crying out loud. which, i wouldnt mind actually since im dysfunctional at relationships as well! Just adds to the awesomeness of my being. Look. im not trying to throw a pity party, even though it pretty much sounds like im an ungrateful little girl, this is the only way to express frustration before i just burst out crying BECAUSE of frustration. Im just a person trying to work on themselves, trying to gain patience.

Maybe im just growing up, because my mind is changing, not about the important things, just about how i maybe thought things were going to go.. at 18 i imagined myself in a far off country someplace unknown to the majority of the population.. so, why cant i imagine myself there, now? Why can i NOT see myself alone anymore? i was so easily sure that i wanted to remain alone. and now? i want him there.  and surfing! dont even get me started on that! i could surf all day, every day. morning, until night. i actually had SEA LEGS the other night trying to fall asleep cause i surfed the entire afternoon. i dream about waves at night and bout having the salt in my hair. But then i dream of green grass and trees and rolling hills and the smell of fresh air, and catching fireflies at night. winding roads and summer rain storms. Or cobble stone streets in europe or how each airport has its own special smell, and energy running through it. what do you do when your heart isnt rooted in any place on land? will i forever be drifting above? constantly observing everything while in motion? or will someone come along and lasso me down to make sure i dont get too far off?

as much as i am up for an adventure, im living my life with a blindfold on.. in every aspect. career, education, hobbies, love, direction. its like trying to break open a pinata! when all you want to do is take a tiny peak to get a solid whack on it, to make sure you look like you are so great at this 'game' called life. To reap the rewards of all thats inside it. Then, here i am flailing this bat around trying to hit SOMETHING to make sure its still there. to make sure im still swinging for something. just wanting to take a peak, to make sure im not getting laughed at, or lost, or swinging at air..

 i guess im just going to have to look like a blind fool for a little while longer, but im pretty sure im not the first person to feel this way.. so i think i might be in good company.