wide awake

so, its been kind of a while since ive been on this thing, and well, my life has pretty much changed. dont get me wrong im still driven to see the world, but as months pass God shows me so many new things. and i see sort of his timeline, if thats even possible. learning that i dont need to take over the world before im 25, and that i should go at a pace thats actually enjoyable, and where i can set roots in. Now, if you know me- know me, its not exactly what i love doing. But, i have just learned to love it. really, im excited to try something new in all areas with commitment, learning to stick with it, and finish what i start. and especially on a topic where i had refused to go down. because well, i was scared of commitment !!! (isnt that terrible? haha ) topic : relationships.

oh yeah. its go time.

i had always been so afraid of letting myself open up to someone, thinking that the minute i got into a committed relationship my life was on the verge of boring and i was never going to experience all the things i wanted to do. but ive learned that its kind of the opposite. and that i need to date a guy who is going to keep me moving forward, not keep me from doing anything. Lately this past week i have been in Ohio visiting family and friends and oh how i adore it here! its given me ( and continues to ) the solitude and the quietness i sought. ive even found myself daydreaming about my future guy to be! which is weird for me lol cause before i used to not really think about it. and of course i had lists as a girl in HS of my perfect man, but re thinking what was written, haha is not the kind of guy i truly desired! not saying it wasnt a good list, but im sure if my future husband doesnt like cereal, we'll be okay. now im not really expecting anyone to read this,if you are, well hi! cool! but, like i have said in previous blogs, its more of an outlet for me, plus i love reading old blogs to see how much i have grown and where God has brought me.

the list.


1. i will not take any guy who isnt sold out for Christ. i have realized it is SUCH a vital part in a healthy relationship, and girls, if you are frustrated with a guy you are dating or wanting to date, because he isnt on the same page as you, let it go and move on. your relationship with God and your character are far more important than a boy. he may be special, but if you seek Gods will, let God work on him while you do your own thing. Hes got it all under control. trust

2. be driven. having drive is certainly an attractive attribute! someone who wants things and goes after them with integrity and passion! i dont want someone sitting around waiting for something to happen. make it happen. do the things you wanna do because , well, its what you wanna do!!!!  brings me to my next number-

3. be assertive. none of this wishy washy highschool crap. it was annoying then, and guess what, its STILL annoying. i desire a guy who fights for what he wants, and who is assertive in our relationship. now, lets not take it over board, not a control freak over me, but a guy who sees me, and says to himself, i like her. so, im going to try and date her. and be a man and not be timid! be brave guys, it goes a long way with us girls. why do you think we love the notebook so much? we just desire a guy who sees us and only us.

4.Manners. oh man haha polite, gentleman, on time and alert. not much to explain there!

5. be a KID too! but lets just leave the inappropriate jokes and tantrums out of that equation please. I def. desire a guy who i can quote kid movies with and go on lame adventures and someone who isnt going to drain the night. be light hearted, seriousness is of course needed sometimes, but not most of it. be a kid, but remember that you're an adult. please. haha

6. probably one of my most needed needs is this. Thoughtfulness. oh man, thoughtfulness! it goes SUCH a long way! the fact that if i even got sunflowers or maybe a card randomly id die!it isnt because i like stuff, its the point that you saw it, and youd think "lindsey would like this." or "lindsey would laugh so hard i should get this!" i dont need expensive items, thats why i work, i can get those myself. but i cant go get an ugly cat card for myself, thats just weird. im weird, but not foreveralone weird.

         but really. guys, if you read this, let us know we are on your minds. it brightens our day, doesnt cost you a thing, and is greater than any necklace you could ever buy. remind us. it warms our hearts.

7. be HONEST! if you are just not feelin it anymore, dont ignore the topic dude! just say it! dont have us sit and wait and wonder what in tarnation is going on because you dont want to tell us. its hard, we get it, its never fun telling people youve lost feelings for them, but its a lot better in the long run to let us know before we get even deeper. and be honest about youre feelings! if you like us, TELL US! if you wanna be with us, well, TELL US! cause if im talkin back to you and hangin out all the time, most likely, i like you too!!!

8. Communication. i need a guy who communicates. cause if you cant, well then you can take a hike.

9. spiritual, emotional, and mental maturity. For once, can i have all 3? is that too hard to ask? haha always seems like its one or the other. well. im sure ill hit the jackpot someday lol but id like to have trust in the guy im dating to realize what God has called him to be, and what a Godly healthy relationship is. i dont want 'oops' and 'mistakes' constantly, i dont desire that one bit! so avoiding them before they even happen is a big big need for me.

10. Character. be the best person YOU can be. i cant stand guys who are easily influenced, be your OWN and if you dont know that then dont date! find out who you are, because that last thing i want is my time wasted on a guy who hasnt got his stuff figured out. not saying not knowing is a bad quality, we have all been there, i, many times, believe me, but before i date you, id like to know im not gonna be dating a guy with many hats or who doesnt know what he wants. id like to be what you want. and if im not, then ill continue on and eventually meet someone who will!


This isnt a jab at any guy ive had interest too, but thats what dating guys is about. figuring out what works and what doesnt, and what you really want, and what you are going to completely avoid haha and girls, if you are reading this, if there are any red flags, do not justify them. they are waving for a reason. excuses will eventually run out and so will your patience. best to not pick up something at all, then to pick it up having to put it down later on. I felt like i have grown so so so so so much in just this past week! i honestly feel like im an entirely new person, with a big new and improved view on life. i desire what God wants, and i just wanna live for him. i hope to find someone who wants to, too.

what the heck is goin on!

"One of the hardest decisions you'll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away, or try harder."

here we go, another stinkin blog on the stinkin blog page stinkin late at night about the same ole stinkin topic im always thinking about.. purpose. Its all i ever think about. sunrise, sunset, i lay in my bed and ponder the question, "WHAT am i going to do today?"... as i rattle of the check list in my head, and go through my itinerary for the day, i still feel in the same place. i try my best not to complain, because well, i have an amazing life!! I just wish i had a calling, a purpose.. whatever that is i guess. i sit here frustrated, tired because ive tried everything, looking at all doors, windows, cracks, ANYTHING to get a glimpse of what the heck im supposed to do with myself. you know, when you graduate highschool you think, " oh 20? yeah i think ill already be on my way to a career by then!"....sike. nope.

90% of the day i feel lost. useless, almost. pathetic and annoying as that might sound to you, whoever you are, its the truth. i know we are supposed to be patient and have faith that Gods timing, is the best timing.. why is it so difficult to just 'be'? Why cant i just seem to get things right? why do i ALWAYS have to mess things up? you ever envision who you want to be someday, then look at the person you are NOW, and think to yourself, "ive got miles, and miles, to go.." Being focused and on top of things, and trying to make sense of everything thats going on, just gets so tiring. Not being in school, and seeing my friends continue their education, i get worried sometimes. Am i gonna get left behind? well, why not try school again? ok! that sounds like a great plan! But whenever i do, something just tells me no? i can only bake cupcakes and babysit for so long before i become a nun for crying out loud. which, i wouldnt mind actually since im dysfunctional at relationships as well! Just adds to the awesomeness of my being. Look. im not trying to throw a pity party, even though it pretty much sounds like im an ungrateful little girl, this is the only way to express frustration before i just burst out crying BECAUSE of frustration. Im just a person trying to work on themselves, trying to gain patience.

Maybe im just growing up, because my mind is changing, not about the important things, just about how i maybe thought things were going to go.. at 18 i imagined myself in a far off country someplace unknown to the majority of the population.. so, why cant i imagine myself there, now? Why can i NOT see myself alone anymore? i was so easily sure that i wanted to remain alone. and now? i want him there.  and surfing! dont even get me started on that! i could surf all day, every day. morning, until night. i actually had SEA LEGS the other night trying to fall asleep cause i surfed the entire afternoon. i dream about waves at night and bout having the salt in my hair. But then i dream of green grass and trees and rolling hills and the smell of fresh air, and catching fireflies at night. winding roads and summer rain storms. Or cobble stone streets in europe or how each airport has its own special smell, and energy running through it. what do you do when your heart isnt rooted in any place on land? will i forever be drifting above? constantly observing everything while in motion? or will someone come along and lasso me down to make sure i dont get too far off?

as much as i am up for an adventure, im living my life with a blindfold on.. in every aspect. career, education, hobbies, love, direction. its like trying to break open a pinata! when all you want to do is take a tiny peak to get a solid whack on it, to make sure you look like you are so great at this 'game' called life. To reap the rewards of all thats inside it. Then, here i am flailing this bat around trying to hit SOMETHING to make sure its still there. to make sure im still swinging for something. just wanting to take a peak, to make sure im not getting laughed at, or lost, or swinging at air..

 i guess im just going to have to look like a blind fool for a little while longer, but im pretty sure im not the first person to feel this way.. so i think i might be in good company.

How lindsey got her groove back

sometimes we just need to dance. for real, just get up and have this crazy solo rave dance party in your own room to get your life groove back. who would have thought physically dancing would put the spark back into things!!! I picked up dance again and the WHOLE DAY i just could not keep still!!! Im excited to start it up with the girls, and have a time to all re connect and do what most of us loved to do for years.. DANCE! I have been learning a lot the past few weeks, and its not to take life so seriously. to not plan so far in advance cause things change. Old feelings change, new feelings change. You re kindle with the old, and combine with the new, and you just, you make a brand new life, every day. Excitement is out there! Dont get caught just being lazy and vegging on the couch when you can get up and shake your butt

struggle

I havent written one of these well, since october. Not because i forgot about it, but i really was embarassed that i had nothing to write about. Here i am swearing by all means to go out and do big things, when i have sat so still for the past few months. i understand that my surrounding life has a big part in keeping me in one place ( sisters getting married, friends getting married, new job ect ) But instead of using my time to Gods full advantage, i just, watched it fly on by me. To be tied down, is a perfect way, and excuse, to plan.    This 'big dream' of mine is still in the works, but has been on just a pause.. and i cant stand that. Its time to really start planning this shin dig, instead of dabbling in it. I havent explain what this 'plan' is to a lot of people yet, because its still under works. But im just gonna come out and explain it all. I will be traveling around the world, using a pass called "around the world trip ticket" through alliance airlines. i will be gone for a year or longer, and will travel to every country i can possibly go too, and stay with christian organizations in each country.I will stay in each country for about a week, and during that week, film and document what the organizations do for the country, culture, and most of all Gods kingdom. Each week my website will be updated by the previous adventure, and so it gives people the opportunity to keep up, and travel with me. Each country will have its own external web link, and so by simply clicking the country that i have already been too, you can watch the video on that country, and listed below will be a brief explanation, needs, wants, and how we, as westernized culture, can help this country. For years i would talk to people about traveling, or how they can help those less fortunate, and the same answers i would get would be "i just dont know where to start, or HOW to even begin to help" well thats where this plan i created fits in. This 'plan' of mine is called Send me on my way, and it gives people the chance to learn about what they are helping with, they get insight on this culture, the PEOPLE that are just like themselves, to stretch out hands, and to create an invisible web. THINK about it, all it takes is awareness. ALL it takes, is information , and knowledge. it is time for us as a culture, as PEOPLE, to help. to care. to become selfless. I am more than excited about this dream of mine, this will be a solo trip, just me, my cameras, and this world...Through this trip im doing, im praying that the dominoe effect is endless. im praying organizations will finally have their voices be loud enough. im praying people who are so bored with the norm, will find my videos, and website, and be inspired. im praying someone, or all find their purpose through the eyes of others. i really hope whoever reads this will be praying with me, because even though i am doing this trip alone, the support of many others will be keeping this flame a forrest fire. Please share this with people you feel who would be interested in viewing this journey as it unfolds. I hope to be making this grand voyage in the summer time, and until then will be giving brief updates through this blog.  i will try my hardest at providing the necessary footage to really show whats going on out in the world. I dont want to edit anything out, i dont want to hide, or shy away from footage that will make people feel uncomfortable. there is a REASON you FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. THERE IS A REASON YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WATCHING STARVING CHILDREN. THERE IS A REASON YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WATCHING GENOCIDE. THERE IS A REASON YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE SEEING THE NEEDS OF THIS WORLD.

                     

so what if, there were a way to help those issues. to fix them through awareness, hard work, love, selflessness, through this intricate web of knowledge and understanding of these extremely big and important issues?





what if we can end them?



Send me on my way.