Friday, April 24, 2015

Failure is an option.. Sometimes the best one

Writing is therapeutic for me, in some weird way. I never really gravitated towards it in school, so it is sort of surprising that I have in recent years. Anyways, I woke up this morning feeling the urge to write in this blog that has been long forgotten. Took me about 10 minutes to even find the dang thing, but hazaa! Here we are.

          I spent the last 20 minutes or so re-reading previous posts of mine, and it's safe to say im thoroughly embarrassed haha! Yikes, haha!


           But one thing I did love about it, was seeing my growth through the years. To think my first post was 4 years ago! Now with 23 coming up in a few weeks, I ask myself, "Am I where I thought I'd be??" Safe to say 18 year-old me would be freaking out right now that I have not declared permanent residency in Mumbai or Rio De Janeiro. But almost-23-year-old-me is, I feel, quite different. I have done a lot of traveling since High school, more than some people get in their lifetime, and how special is that! I am so proud of myself for taking the time and adventuring beyond my comfort zone and country. I am proud of myself for the things I got to accomplish at a young age, and I am proud of myself for become patient with my life "plan". To think 4 years ago, that Id be standing here at 22 years old, as an EMT and Paramedic school a littler over a year away, Id think, WOW! Who IS this chick!?

           Id like to be a Doctor one day, and travel the world! Id love to travel to far off places and help people in need. To offer education and service to those who may not have any, or need more. Its crazy to think and read back on these older posts and see my distress and anxiety for trying to find "my life's purpose".. If you are reading this right now and you are struggling with that same topic in your own life, please know this...

                    stop. breathe. listen.

                 God has got this. Hindsight is 20-20, and you will find yourself looking back and seeing how confusing some things are, but how they seem to intertwine creating this crazy path that has brought you here to this very moment. Maybe if I stopped trying so desperately to figure out my life years ago, I maybe would have found where Im at now, a lot sooner, Because in frantically trying to find myself, I lost myself. I lost opportunities for growth, for understanding, for silence. Looking back if I were to just have stopped and listened (for once) I would see that what my heart desired was right in front of me. That God was trying to show me everything I ever needed, was right in front of my nose.

          Being an EMT and on this path of medicine didn't really surprise me. In fact, when I found myself submerged deep into EMT school, I found myself feeling like I was right in the center of where I needed, and for so many years, wanted to be. I felt like this was what I was MADE to do.  I always knew I wanted big things for my life. I wanted a life that was the opposite of normal and mundane. I wanted a life people write books about. I wanted to find myself on top of a mountain in a foreign country or deep in an exotic jungle, I just didnt know how I was going to make a living from being a full-time adventurer, then one night around 2 am in a Hospital I found that notion of, "THIS. IS. IT." and I haven't questioned it since. This may not be my life-long purpose in life, but Oh how I hope it is !

           Now with feeling that Im not longer a scavenger on the hunt for a purpose, God has shown light on other areas of my life that needed work. Its not fun when there is a spotlight on the areas where you have left alone for years. They look old and dirty and tired. Untouched and dusty, I found myself continuing to avoid commitment.  Until a four legged thing came into my life: Huckleberry Finn.
            In the efforts to subside my desires for human contact, I convinced my parents to allow me to purchase a dog, but not just any dog, THE dog. He HAD to be a german shorthaired pointer, and he had to be named Huck. I had this dream of how life would be with him, andddd well that wasnt how it turned out. I thought, "Having a dog maybe will fix my lonesomeness." Because who am I kidding I was lonely. Life may look bright and sunshiney on Facebook and Instagram, with all my fun activities, stories, and things Ive experienced, but the one thing I kept refusing to believe was that life was meant to be shared.

            I knew I had the choice back when I was 18, I could have chosen a more traditional route: school-marriage-house-family. But that meant commitment, that meant staying in one place, that meant suffocation. So I traded in comfort and convenience for a backpack and a plane ticket. I traded in a college degree by 22 for hostels and new countries at 20. I traded a steady relationship for an impossible chance at having any at all. So here I am, almost 23 with all this other life experience, but still unable to properly function in a semi-romantic relationship. Even though Im an adult, I felt like I was in Jr. High with the way I would handle myself, and communicate. I would get so frustrated with myself, and ask myself "Why is this so difficult to grasp or comprehend?" I would wonder "why am not getting this faster? Why do I feel like such a failure at this?"

       In my life I am used to being able to grasp concepts quite quickly. Obstacles dont seem like obstacles to me, and challenges seem inviting. But when it comes to my feelings, why am I so foreign? I look back and wonder, "was this trade I made, back when I was 18, was this trade worth it? Was it worth it to feel debilitated when it comes to my feelings and the way I share emotions?"

 Im not ever sure, but If i were to travel back in time Id advise my younger self to learn the art of balance, not the art of being alone.

     In recent events it has been brought to my attention how dusk this area was in my life, and I decided to let it go and let God handle my life. When you pray and ask God for chances to grow, be careful! haha! He just may answer them!

I want to act with grace and kindness. I want to become the lady Id imagined myself to be when I was a teenager. I hope to love amidst hurt and loneliness. I hope to be used for God's plan, and not my own, even if that means feeling empty. To know God will fill me back up, well, what more could I ever hope for?

So 18 year old self.. You want to know somethin?

   Being classy is hard work, being kind is not easy. Allowing your heart to open is scary, and growing is not pain-free. Showing kindness and grace is not effortless, and being thoughtful is not by accident. Wearing makeup will not conceal an ugly heart, and being bold does not have to be obnoxious. A Woman of the Lord is patient, and seeks Him through good times, and in bad. She brings Him her desires and asks Him to choose for her. Instead of looking around and trying to find my own way out of a maze, I will instead look up and ask for help. I dont want to waste any more of my life being prideful and stubborn, but instead be a lady of humility and grace.


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