swept under

well hello, its been a while since i have posted one of these.. sitting here in my room, i cant believe its been 2 weeks since i was in germany.. it feels like it went by a flash, and it never happened.. maybe thats a good thing. Its very nice to be home, and be in warm sunshine, but there are people i miss dearly on that side of the world. This will be the last blog i will post for a very long time, well, a few months until im in the other country, well, continent ill be living in next :) you'll just have to wait and see! A lot of people dont understand the meaning and importance of "Home". home is a special place, a place where you can always go home too, no matter where you are in the world, you can always come home. Kids who have great homes, always know that, Parents, make sure your home is like that for your kids, you dont know what they might encounter in their lives, just make sure "Home" is a safeway to any situation.. since being home ive seen SO many people, im subbing for teachers assistants again, (and LOVING it), going to the beach, dancing (love that), and eating as much mexican food my tummy can hold. But im learning to get back on my feet again... the past few months have been so alien to me, my world was rocked on all sides, and not in the good way. Im mending a broken heart, mending my sad bank account, mending my damaged hair, and trying to figure out my next move.. SO many things happened at once, and im learning to make the best out of every situation. As energized and happy as i feel and am to be back home, i felt like ive been a zombie since ive been home. Just slugging around wondering where my life went, and how i got to this place.. so many plans, and dreams, and hopes...changed. within a few weeks, and i couldn't do anything about it.. its like watching a car crash from a window in a tall building, knowing whose cars it is, and no matter how much you scream and hit the glass, you cant do anything about it.. all you can do is turn your face so you dont have to watch it, but something is holding your neck so you have too. What happened? how did i get to this point? how did WE get to this point? what about me? where do i go now? My worst fears happened, something you try so hard to prevent you find yourself helping that process unknowingly. I dont mean to rant, but this is sort of the first time typing things out and re reading it, instead of having it play as a movie in my head, a book is a nice change of pace. As girls, you replay everything, every moment, every look, instance, feeling, and you want to hold it and cherish it forever.. because it meant something. finding out it didnt, is a hard pill to swallow, and learning that you have to let it be that way is an even bigger pill. but im learning. you cant cherish those things forever, because you have to make room for new things to cherish, and new things to hold. some memories should be held in your heart forever, but some should be forgotten. So this is me, learning to put down past memories, walking away, and moving on. Once again, i find myself laying on my bed, having not a clue of where i'll be in 6 months. Its both exciting and terrifying..... And im pleased to say i think you less and less as the days go by... Goodbyes are never fun so, see you soon blog readers. thanks for sharin the ride with me.

the thrill

SOoooooo its 3am and im in an airport. i LOVE airports. so many different people, everyone has to go somewhere. its like, aside from disneyland, the best place to people watch. welllll not at 3am. because munich, being the dumb airport it is, isnt 24/7/ lame. all i can do is watch the police and shoot weird looks at them to make them feel uncomfortable.. and im sure everyone trying to sleep isnt to happy with me laughing at skype while i talk to sebby, and my mom and my sister hahaha. anywho. today sucked. it was just bad day, but those happen in life. im so excited to go home back to my family and friends and life with new experiences and learned life lessons. haha bonus! I am ready to feel that cali vibe, stay out late, go surfing, late night trips to LA to get donuts, really finding out what midgetville is, and of course. Lightning Mcqueen. dear bubba, i miss you. i miss speeding on ontario feeling like i would never get caught, (WHICH I HAVENT!!!) we are the dynamic duo. your the bonnie to my clyde. we, will do great things once again. Im not gonna let some bad weeks get in my way of finding happiness. im lindsey, im too much of a goofball to stay down for too long. i wont stay at home for long, because i hear travelin' callin my name again.. but it wont ask again for a few months. plus, cmon, its the holidays ;) snowwwboardddinnggg!!!!! cabin, christmas cookies, ELF, 25 days of christmas on ABC family hahahaha, yeahhhhhh man, and complaining how it feels like summer on christmas morning. lol Im a california Girl,  we're unforgettable ;) and i think the kids appreciate me not rapping their chores to them anymore LOL " uhh lindsey.. what are you doing" "rapping kid. learn it. love it" they eventually caught on, and i think i got nick to wave his hand in the air one time :). welp. its time to explore more of the airport hahaha andddd im off!!!! peace germany, i aint comin back for a few years, so, well. keep bein' your bad self.

It's just one of those days....and its one of those blogs..

you know the days where all you can do is just sit and do absolutely nothing? when you try and try to focus and get things done, but you find yourself stopping half way through and moving on to another task, just to do that same thing with that one? yeah. its one of those days. If you don't want to hear me whine and complain, then i suggest you stop here....moving on. my life. is in wait mode. it seems like everything in my life lately, is making me wait. and for me, patience, isnt really my thing ( it is when it comes to kids, butttt its besides the point) so if you really knew me, you could see me being very annoyed and frustrated. yes, you just nodded your head. yes you just smiled because you know im right. i just feel very lost, unwanted, lonely, angry, sad, and everything in the in between. I dont understand really anything in my life at the moment, but im learning to be ok with that.. who what when where.. WHY. i could go on and on going round and round trying to hypothesize answers for these simple but huge questions, but what good is it? what good is it writing about it? all i can do is just sit here, sigh, shake my head, shrug my shoulders, and start to set the table for dinner before the kids come home. Its not so much im sad anymore, its more of an, annoyed frustrated too burn out to really care whats going on mood/lifestyle... trying to focus on life's positives, its just hard when i dont see a lot at the moment. can someone knock me into a coma for a few months? ship me to Corona, CA 92881, i think my parents would like my unconscious body in America rather than germany... station me at the hospital on main street, that way del taco and juan pollo arent that far of a sleep walk away, and the 99 cent store with its delicious chalupa cart outside. then, wake me up when its summer.

Reasons.

Sorry that i have not posted in such a long time. Life, well, has been catching up with me. Once again, this blog is, and should be, theraputic. a place where i can vent, and let everything out. The past 2 weeks have not been easy for me. Dealing with break up, homesickness, misbehaving children, and tension in the home, its hard to keep being positive. I would be so lost if it weren't for my family and friends support back home, and keeping me sane. I have to keep looking forward, and be strong as i finish my time here.. Yes.. you guessed it. I will be moving home Dec 21st. Reasons, i cannot share, but just know that i gave it my all, and it was not because i am homesick.  I am not happy about this, but have put in alot of prayer and talking with my parents and friends, and mutually decided it is whats best. This experience has been a difficult one, but also one that i will cherish and use for a lifetime.. Germany is a beautiful country, with many kind and wonderful people, and i have learned so much. i have made friends here that i will hold for a lifetime, and hopefully will see again some day soon.. but for now, lets have a good last month here, and keep being a positive light! I just wanna thank you all for reading my blog, and continuing your prayers and support, it means so much to me, and i am so thankful everyday..But my journey isnt over...Where am i going next? You'll just have to keep reading ... :)

An un-healthy obsession.

In the World of nanny-hood, (i should so make a facebook group), we have those we respect and take from, and those who we build shrines for in our 8x8 square meter room behind the door so the family doesn't realize where we get our hope and powers from. In my shrine, there are 3 very special ladies. These ladies, are the people i strive to be, even though, im not british, and, im real, set apart from Jo, but thats besides the reason. I introduce to you. The Nanny Tri-fecta. maybe if i dream enough, start talking in a british accent, and ask God to make me freakish ugly, i will morph into a mega-nanny and take over the world and all the little rascals too.. maybe, MAYBE make them bow down.. we'll just see how much grace i have left over.

In order. from the greatest-to the best. ever. EVER.

                         Nanny #1: Jo Frost.

Not only does her name mean business, So does her wardrobe. I mean c'mon, look at this picture, what kid wouldn't think twice with seeing that stance!  She isn't just there for the kids, but to nanny the parents as well, she is a saint to us nannies, and we strive to have the wisdom and patience that she has every time i watch an episode, i may not agree on ALL her tactics, but most are very helpful and useful. Thank you Jo. You are an inspiration.

                      Nanny #2: Nanny Mcphee.

I aspire, no i DREAM to be like Nanny Mcphee. She is strict when she needs to be, but always kind when firm. This now, is a difficult balance, no matter how nasty the kids are, she always keeps her cool. One of my favorite scenes was when the kids were being butts, and she made them clean and work super hard/fast and they hated it, hahahaa. She isnt beautiful on the outside, but she is flawless on the inside, she makes the kids appreciate hard work, and a willing and helping hand, and to not judge a book by its cover. I have seriously thought about making myself look like a bum to try this tactic, but decided against it. I did, though, make her famous quote a life lesson of mine, and something i keep in mind everyday." When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I have to go." nanny mcphee. You amaze me. You are an idol to us nannies, now, where did you get your magic stick????

          Nann(ies) #3. The Julie Andrews dynamic duo FTW!!

Julie andrews is a Goddess. Heaven sent, Jesus in a womans body (kidding) but really. She portrays the nanny so well, and is ALWAYS thoughtful, kind, never rude, and knows she only deserves the best. She is a dreamer, and wants the children to explore and use their imagination, and see the world the way she does. Endless. In each movie, she dramatically changes the lives of those around her. And i promise, a picture of me spinning around on a hilltop in austria WILL BE coming soon. swears. She is the perfect nanny in both movies. she makes cute matchy match clothes out of curtains, (AN INSPRIRATION!) helps the kids take their medicine by giving them spoons full of sugar, this, i cannot do, my kids suffer from eggsima, haha if i even spelt that right, so sugar is a no go. making songs out of any situation, i cant sing without making dogs cry, so we'll just pretend i already sang them tunes. but I DO have rather large black purse filled with uncertainties :) haha and i bet if Julie Andrews were a real life nanny, shed be all of these nannies put together. You are my hero Julie..So during my meditation on how to be a good nanny, here are the following lessons and notes taken.

1.You need a british accent to be a mega nanny

2. Magic.. where the magic!?

3.Treat the kids the way you would want to be treated.

Above the Influence.

Being in constant prayer for the past few days, i felt like God literally slapped me in the face and said "Lindsey!!! GET A GRIP! I GOT THIS! CHILL!" Once again, im being vulnerable, and maybe a little too honest on here, but oh well! This is theraputic for me! Even if i did spell that word wrong! This blog is about influence. everyone in your life is an influence, whether you realize it or not, they affect you. They maybe make you do things, push you, make you not do things, forget things, remember things, show you things, and in the end, teach you things. Since i was young, ive always had a strive for adventure and culture, to see this world through heavens eyes, to experience culture, to live with flavor and fire, to meet people who are just as wrapped up in this dream as i am. But how come all of those dreams stop when you meet someone? I was suddenly OK with not doing those things, i was OK with not finding a church here, because i figured id get by with reading my bible every week or so. i was OK with forgetting all of those things i had been DREAMING about for years... so easily, because someone influenced me. not in a bad way, but in a way where God wasnt my main vision anymore. I now understand the meaning of why God asked us to be "equally yolked" in a relationship, and i am so darn excited to meet that person one day! But for now, until that happens, ive got some goals to cross off. Sitting here, shaking my head, i need to stick to my guns, and realize that i am 18, and there is a reason i am 18 on this day, in this year in history. There was a reason i wanted to be single this past summer, and to my surprise found someone, so i gave it a go. and, it didnt work out. yes, it hurts, but lifes goes ON! and instead of wishing it over, or it never happened, its a learning experience, things in life dont work out the way we plan, but usually the things in life that DONT work out, are usually the ones WE wanted, and not what God intended, but Gods so freakin awesome like that, he takes bad things, and makes them work out for OUR benefit. I am going to experience this WORLD and what it has to OFFER ME! I am going to meet incredible people in this process, and i wonder what they will be like. This is the only life i have, and i have one shot at greatness. I need to remember who that girl was on new years eve, 2009, i need to remember that girl in the yard climbing on trees and getting lice in her hair (sorry sis, i swear ill make it up somehow haha) that girl so troubled by staying in one place, that girl whose prayer was to seek adventure, that girl who had dreams every night of being someone great for Gods world.  the one who was passionate about this world. the one who didnt need a man, but was happy learning and holding Gods hand first. the girl who didnt let anything in her way stop her from achieving her dreams. the girl who wasnt afraid to get on a plane not knowing the outcome. the girl whose fuel was Gods love, and the want and NEED for adventure. Im sorry Lindsey. ive forgotten who you were and are. i cant promise to always remember your real strive in life, but i will try harder to remember you, and remember to sit still and quiet enough to hear what makes your heart beat. Gods sittin right next to me, so he's reading this and is gonna make sure i do too. He says hi by the way, and tells me to tell you that he misses you, and the long talks about the world. Maybe you can give him a call later? his number is the same as always. Oh, you havent heard from him in a while you say? try picking up your phone. its been ringing alot lately. You havent heard it? maybe all the worries in your head keep you from hearing your phone call.

Unaware of everything, knowing you're aware of me

I just want to say how truly blessed my life is. I have an amazing support system at home, an amazing opportunity here in germany, and a life i get to live. Today has been one of lifes hardest lessons for me.. but the peace and understanding God has flowed through me, has once again, given me a clear vision. Things in life dont work out how we always want them too, people change, you move locations, and surprises, good and bad, happen along the way. Sometimes we get so caught up in our troubles and worries and EVEN BLESSINGS, and forget the bigger picture. As much as closing a relationship hurts and how painful it can be, there are reasons for everything. I want to be as personal on here as possible, i created this blog to be vulnerable, and to be harshly honest with myself, and for you reader, to get a glimpse of what is going on inside of me. lately i feel as if every "Greatest quote on earth" is being applied to my life as we speak, todays life lesson quote being directly applied is, "Better to have loved, then to have not loved at all" as hard and how deeply sad i am, i am OK. no matter what happens in life, Gods got me, why should i worry? sometimes we dont get the answers or conclusions we desire or deserve, but that is when faith is strengthened. I need to have faith in God that hes got this, and let go of the wheel, and for me to be used COMPLETELY for his kingdom. im afraid ive ignored God, or have brushed him aside for a few weeks now, and being in his presence right now, is exactly what feels right. I dont know what the big man upstairs is up too, but i know its something GREAT for me... how amazing is that? no matter WHAT, he is ALWAYS working to make me feel loved and wanted. He is always there for me, he never neglects me, he sees me for who i am and the emotions i feel, he sees the life i desire, and weaves in my wants with his. i think its just time for me to stop being so picky with the way he sews. this blog may not have a theme, but its just "whats on my mind" as of the moment. this might have been one of the hardest days in my life, but that just means big things are on its way... prayers are always appreciated and welcomed here. and having your support means more than you may ever know. amidst of all this confusion, hurt, and sadness, i need to realize im not here for me. and whatever outcome may, i need to be ok with it. so this is me. Lindsey Anderson, learning to live selflessly.


"If homes where the heart is, Then I am out of Place. Lord wont you give me strength to make it through somehow.. I've never been more homesick, than now."